I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
