He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it's like heaven, but drunker
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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