he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
