Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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