Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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