Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
