I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
