so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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