I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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