I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
