If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
