1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
