I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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