Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
