If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
