Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
