I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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