Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
