I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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