I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
