My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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