$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
