singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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