one two three fourrrrnication!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The air taste purple.
Randomize
