The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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