birth control should be required to get into college
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
