TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
