How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
