Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
