I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
