I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
