Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
