Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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