She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
God I need to hump something, right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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