im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
