This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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