3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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