I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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