new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
