god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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