She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was CRYING into my vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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