Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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