I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
