and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
