Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
