Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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