When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize