dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
