why didn't you poke me back
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
