I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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