when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm at about main and main street
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
