i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
