woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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