The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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