It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
