you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
