How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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