Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
