he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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